Perfect
by lovedegrassixx
Summary: sometimes you think your life is perfect. then one day can change your whole life, how do you deal. learn to cope with the imperfections of yourself.
1. Chapter 1

Perfect

Perfect. Definition: the one who makes no mistakes. The one who everyone looks up to. A.k.a. me.

So basically my life's pretty normal. I'm a tomboy. I run track, play softball, and swim. My best friends are all guys. Sean, Spinner, and Craig. Being friends with them makes me friends with all of their friends. That means I'm friends with pretty much the whole 10th and 11th grades. We hang out all of the time. They bring their girlfriends with them to hang out and I just tag along. Sean's got Ellie because he and I didn't work out. Spinner has Paige and Craig is with Ashley. Me well let's just say I'm not that great with relationships. Sean, no. Chris, well he and I didn't have that much in common. Other than that I've got my brother my parents my friends my school work and of course my sports. So as you can see I'm pretty normal. Well except for the fact that a bunch of problems always come to me. Though I have to be strong. Always looking out for others not myself. That's right Emma Nelson, environmental crusader, the emotional rock, the one with all the answers. And yet no one looks past that certain cliché. No one ever really sees how much I suffer, the pressure I get put under. Trying to be perfect, trying as hard as I can to stand tall on the pedestal raised so high in the air when I just want to come back down, be me, make mistakes and not be judged. That'll never happened because everyone judges everyone else, with their little glances, making holes in your back, watching your every move, waiting for you to screw up. In fact I haven't met one person who hasn't judged someone else once because no one's perfect. They just want you to be. My life has completely fallen apart before. There are times when I could've been the most miserable person in all of Toronto, but you know what, I still had a smile on my face. If I didn't have that smile people wouldn't care about me. They know me as the smiley-good hearted- girl that never messes up. So why am I talking about perfections and judgment of others. Well the story I'm about to tell you about is how I screwed up. My imperfections and everyone else's judgments, and how I dealt. How I pulled my life apart and pulled it together just as easily. Being the perfect girl everyone knows you and is nice to you. Respects you. As the girl whose life is unstable and hectic, well let's just say you're not going to be voted for prom queen any longer and you're not going to be the one person everyone looks to for hope. Your one of them now: lost in the tangled webs of which we call life. Are you ready? My life got turned upside down but it didn't stop there.

This is my story.


	2. First day of the rest of my life

The First day of the rest of my life.

There he is. Just standing there. Talking to me as if I'm actually listening. The paint pushed him over the edge, but that wasn't my fault. I'm scared now. The only thing keeping me from fainting now is Sean. He's holding my hand. With bravery he goes up to Rick, tries to talk some sense into him. I can tell he's nervous, unsure of what will happen next. Why did I have to be so curious. Why didn't I run the other way when everyone else did. Nope I had to see what they were running from. His words are echoing in my head, " you made my list Emma.". Finally Sean reached for the object. Both of them fighting for their lives. I hear a loud bang. I have no idea who got hit. Hen the worst feeling hits me. What if it was Sean. What would I do. Tears were streaming down my face now. Black from the mascara I put on this morning. My legs are collapsing beneath me. I was slowly falling to the floor. Unable to breathe. I felt a hand on mine. I thought it was Toby's. He had been standing there, just as shocked as I was. It wasn't his though. It was Sean's. "are you okay" he asks. All of a sudden my mind thinks. What would perfect Emma say. Oh yeah just peachy she would say. Perfect Emma died that day. Right when Rick held up that shiny object. All of her bravery gone. Her life shattered. I would never be the same again. Just looking into Sean's eyes I don't see the crystal blue ocean anymore I see a dark picture the whole ordeal replaying in his eyes. He wasn't sure if he would be the same either. We'd get through it together though. We had to. Police were called Toby was hauled off with his parents. Because Sean lives only with Ellie he came into the M.I. lab with my mom and step-dad. "Are you both okay". My mother asks concerned and worried, she too was crying. "Fine" we say at the same time. We don't mean it but you can't let people know how you really feel. That's the first step to an imperfect life. Letting people know you're life is falling apart every second of the day. Nobody knows what we're going through right now and we don't want to explain it. Just let us live our lives. Tragedy has struck upon us at Degrassi. Nothing will be the same again. Everyone is affected but when you were actually apart of the tragedy no one is going to leave you alone now.


	3. Healing Process

The Healing Process.

Neither Sean nor I were okay. He and Ellie had broken up because she only kept him around to get noticed and for fame. And me, well I pretty much just kept to my self. See everyone has their ways of dealing with tragedy. My best friends and I represent them.

Some people run away (Sean)

Some people just deal with it and go on with life (Spinner)

Some people try and make the best of things (Craig)

Some people shut everyone out from the world (me).

I used to be like Craig. Make sure everyone is alright put a smile on my face and say it will all be fine, and people actually believed me. Too bas that girl wasn't there anymore. I could really use her now. I'm afraid to sleep now, in fear of seeing the scene of the horrible day. When I close my eyes I see Sean and Rock on the ground. Still unsure of Sean's safety, I sometimes have the urge to call him and make sure he is okay. Today at school it was different. It was Monday. News reporters lined up around the school. Trying to get even the smallest glimpse of people involved in the accident. Asking questions, taking pictures, anything. The old Emma would have told them off and said something that would make them want to run like the little babies they are, but now I just walk away. My lips sealed. In the halls people surrounded me, bombarding me with questions. Were you scared? What did Rick say? Are you alright? Why did Sean save you? The last question got me thinking, why did he save me? Note to self must find Sean and ask him, but first I have to get away from everyone else. In every class that I had people would stare and whisper. I couldn't take it much longer. I ran into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. After about 20 minutes of crying I went into the M.I. lab and found Snake talking to Sean. "Dad I need to leave, I can't take everyone looking at me, whispering about me and making comments. I-I just need to go out for a while', I said to him just spitting out the words. "Sure sweetheart, Sean can you go with her, I think spinner and Craig are waiting for you two out front", he replied softly, understanding why we have to go. We walked to our lockers grabbed what we needed and ran out the front doors of the school. We met up with Spin and Craig near Spin's car. "Where do you want to go" said Spin. "Let me drive" Sean said and the four of us took off 3 of us not knowing where we're going but just enjoying each other's company no sadness, no pressure, just a nice ride with friends.


	4. THe ONe Who Left

The one who Left

I've seen this place before. Sean showed me the few pictures he had of it.

It's a small house. A plain white color, the old paint wearing off, windows streaked and marked up.

"What is this place" Spinner says dumbfounded

"Home" says Sean. He walked up to the door and knocked and no one came.

He knocked again, harder this time.

"Coming, jeez hold on" came a scratchy voice from inside.

A woman looking tired and wrinkled stepped out.

"Sean", she said a bit taken back. "Why are you here?"

"I-I needed to talk to you, and dad." Sean said

"What'd you do this time Sean, deafen another kid" an older man said.

It had to be his father. Looked just like Sean only much older.

"N-no. I uh... I'm sorry I have to go"

He came running from the steps back to the car.

"C'mon" he said. "Get in the car"

"Aye aye captain" Spinner said saluting Sean as he made his way into the front seat of the car.

Sean drives us down to the beach. I set up a blanket I find in Spinner's car and put on some lotion I found in my purse. Then I go to the pier and buy a bathing suit. When I come back I see the 3 boys in the water having the time of their lives. They were laughing and smiling and it made me feel so happy.

I lay back down on the blanket hoping that maybe I would get a tan because my pale skin just wasn't working. Yeah that didn't last long. Next thing I knew I was being carried and thrown into the water.

I look up and see Sean holding me. "Having fun" he asks

"Yeah" I reply. Then he turns to the other two.

"Hey guys we'll be over near the blanket" he said. They mumbled "okay" and we walked to our blanket. We both lay down. A mix of emotions hit me.

Happiness, Love, Comfort, all a girl needs to live.

"Em, I'm really sorry about us. I love you I just didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"I know"

"good, uh I hate to tell you this but uh, I'm not going back to Degrassi with you guys."

"WHAT!"

"Em I have to be here with my parents they'll help me deal with the shooting"

"Oh yeah and who will help me"

"You've got your parents, Spinner, Craig."

"my mom can't look at me without crying, Snake doesn't want me to do anything at all, and Spinner and Craig are like everyone just watching me staring and waiting for me to recover on my own. Well I can't not this time, I-I need you Sean, but obviously you don't need me"

"Emma wait" That's when it happened, he kissed me. I felt** THE** spark. It felt so right.

"I love you Emma and I'm sorry for having to leave you"

"Sean this isn't the first time you left me and by the way your not leaving me, because I'm walking away now."

Spinner, Craig and Sean said their goodbyes while I waited in the car. He waved to me but I didn't react. As we pulled away I turned to watch him as I cried and I saw him crying too.


	5. Let The Judegement Begin

Let the Judgment Begin

Skip to the next year.

It's been almost a year since the shooting. I haven't talked to Sean since that day on the beach.

My life has been pretty rough. Jay and I hooked up. BIG mistake. Everyone found out.

I couldn't go to class without someone saying "Gonorrhea Girl"

Everyone was watching me fall apart. I was falling into a depression at that time and no one was there to catch me. My parents weren't at home a lot and then Snake cheated on Spike so he only saw me at school and when I went to Joey's house.

Spinner was being shunned by his other friends and we grew apart, but talked occasionally.

And Craig fell into the popular crowd, only giving me small glances now and again. Not even acknowledging Spinner anymore.

I sat at the counter at the Dot talking to Spin as he made me an ice cream float. Jimmy rolled over to us and had to be a smart-aleck.

"Hey Emma, I'd watch out for that one over there, he tends to get his friends shot"

"Jimmy please" Spinner pleads but I cut him off.

"You know what Jimmy thanks but I think I'll take my chances and cut the guy some slack he lives with this regret every day, no more friends other than me because he made a stupid mistake. He's showing remorse and if you don't lay off of him you'll have to deal with me."

"Whatever Emma I thought you believed in what is right"

"Oh but I do. I think Spinner is doing the right thing by apologizing. Working to make up for what he's done and living with you and your little ban of followers over there making his life a living hell. You're the one who's doing the wrong thing. Try forgiveness once in a while it feels better when you do forgive someone."

"You know what Emma I don't need, especially from some emotionally unstable girl trying to live up to who she was. What happened to you, you used to be someone I looked up to."

"Yeah and I used to think you were a stuck-up jerk, oh wait I was right and by the way you weren't the only one faced by Rick that day, I just choose not to play the 'pity me I was in a tragic accident' card."

He rolled away realizing he wasn't going to win this battle.

"Thanks" said Spinner.

"Anything for you bud."

"Anything?"

"Yeah"

"Well because I don't have a date would you go to prom with me?"

"Of course."

"okay so what do you want to eat"

"Oh nothing the float is enough for me"

"Okay"

"Hey I have to go so I'll call you later"

"Sure bye"

I ran all the way home. How could Jimmy be such a jerk to Spin. Yeah he put him in a wheelchair indirectly but you don't make everyone in school shun him. When I got home I went straight downstairs to the bathroom and did it again. I haven't been able to hold food down, which is kind of good because I've lost 6 pounds already. Oh well. This plan will help me fit in a size 2 by prom with no problem.


	6. Group Counseling

Group Counseling.

The one year anniversary came; Jimmy, Spinner, Toby, Jay, Sean and I were supposed to talk to Ms. Suave. Yes Sean was invited to come for the memorial ceremony and his parents thought it might be good for him to come to the session.

"I'm paying for what I've done. My friends won't look at me and I feel like I'm suffering so much." Spinner said.

"Hey Toby you think he's suffered I think I've suffered enough eh?" Jimmy said in a loud whisper, pointing to his wheel chair.

"Damn it Jimmy! What the hell is wrong with you! We all know you're in a wheelchair okay? WE GET IT! Why must you insist on making Spinner's life hell? He's not the only one at fault for you being paralyzed yet you act like he's the only one who was involved. He didn't pull the trigger Jimmy."

"Emma why do you feel like this toward Jimmy I didn't think you guys did not get along"

"Well Ms. Suave I'm sick of one of my best friends being treated like crap. I know I haven't really acted like a best friend lately but I am sorry Spinner.

I think Jimmy just needs to stop blaming other people and just take it as it is".

"Like your doing so much better, Gonorrhea Girl? Hooking up with random guys in the ravine and going around like everything is perfect. Everyone heard the newest rumor too? Starving yourself, panic attacks I think you might have even more problems then I do."

"So I may have more problems than you but I don't go around hating my best friends, making people go through hell and back and show off my problems. You think just because you are in a wheelchair people should bow down to you and feel sorry for you and pity you. Boo hoo poor me I'm in a wheelchair everyone come feel sorry for me and turn against my ex-best friend, because he is to blame for this."

"We all know your story so go cry me a river I'm sick of your stupid sob stories."

I ran out of the room not looking back. How could he be such a jerk? I hate this all will people just get off my case?

I heard footsteps behind me and saw Sean standing behind me.

"Hey" he said

"Hey"

"So uh when did you develop such an attitude?"

"When my ex ditched me for a gang of losers and people felt sorry for me."

"This guy sounds like a jerk"

"Yeah but that's not all the next year he saves my life, tells me he loves me, gives me the best kiss of my life then runs away from his problems like a little girl."

"He must've had some issues."

"He wasn't the only one."

"What if he said he was sorry?"

"I couldn't tell you what my reaction would be. Depends on what he thinks of how stupid I've become."

"We all make mistakes he may know that more than you know."


	7. Moving On

Moving On.

"We all make mistakes he may know that more than you know."

"I think I know just fine how people can make mistakes. I've made plenty myself. One was letting him go away even though I needed him with me, here, to deal with my own problems."

"Emma I don't blame you for wanting to talk to someone who was there, but I needed to get away."

"Oh like I didn't. Don't waste my time Sean, or yours, by apologizing profusely about how you felt guilty and needed to leave and think clearly. We all did, you, me, Toby, Jimmy, all of us."

"Look I came here not only to tell you I was sorry but that I love you."

"I used to love you Sean and right now I wish I could say the same thing but I don't feel that way anymore.

I learned to move on from my past and one day if I ever do still feel that way towards you than I know that I won't be feeling it because of guilt or feelings of my past, but because of the fact that I'd really like you."

"You know Emma, strange as it sounds I agree with you ad completely understand. I wouldn't want you to feel obligated to like me like that anyway, but I do want you to know that I am coming back to Degrassi tomorrow and I want to hang out with the whole group."

"Well the group is just me and Spinner now. Craig ditched us for Jimmy who I have verbal fights with almost every week because he keeps putting Spinner down. I just hate how he treats him. He didn't pull the trigger. Jay was the one who convinced him to play along with the whole 'its jimmy's fault let's tell Rick' charade. You know how many times Spinner has apologized, way too many times more than he should've had to. People have much worse lives, you know what I mean.

"Yeah, I do. How about we go back in there and we show them who we really are."

"I think I like that."

As we walked back in I felt the urge to drift towards him more. He was way cuter now. He grew out his hair now just a little bit past the nape of his neck. His blue eyes more clear than ever before. His biceps were larger and his chest was built. Wow he really has become a hottie, wait what am I saying. Just friends Nelson, just friends.

We walk back in all eyes on us.

"Welcome back you two we were just talking about our child hoods." Said Ms. Suave.

Than Jimmy just had to add, "Well we all know Sean's story, but we don't really need to know about Emma's perfect little childhood."

I tensed up, and Sean knew something was wrong. He and Manny are the only ones who know the real truth about my childhood, how dare he think my life was one little fairytale.

"Well for you information Jimmy my childhood wasn't like yours. What did mommy and daddy buy you anything you wanted, always be there for you when you had games or practices, and help you with your projects that were due the next day. Yeah well lucky you.

Want to know my childhood Ms. Suave? My childhood consisted of my real dad leaving my mother and me when I was only a baby. We were poor. I never got fancy clothes, all the toys I wanted. Every Christmas I only had about 2 or 3 presents wrapped under a very small tree. I never even went on a vacation until I my mom married Mr. Simpson and everyone thinks my life has been just peachy when they have no idea what I've been through.

"Okay everyone I think we are done for the day. Emma can you stay behind?"

"Sure Ms. Suave, that wouldn't be a problem."

As the room cleared out we went to her office and she shut the door.

"Emma I know that many things have happened in your life and the shooting was one of them. You are the only one who has not spoken to me about it, and I want you to know that I am here."

How did I know this was coming?

"And I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable but you should rally talk about this."

"Fine want me to talk about it? I will then. That day we had the Academic Competition, after we won Rick tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. I get a bit tense when people just kind of sneak up and do something like that to me. So I pushed him away. And without my better judgment I said I was never his friend and that I never liked him. So when Toby, Sean, and I were heading to class we saw him. Feathered and paint head to toe. It looked awful. I was the first to notice something by his side. I froze up. I couldn't move and couldn't breathe. That's when Sean saw it, he tried to pull us away from Rick but then he started talking. Telling us not to move. He talked about how I made his list and how he had already shot someone."

I had to take a deep breathe. My voice was cracking and I felt tears stinging my eyes. Once I was ready I started up again.

"So Sean tried to convince him that shooting people isn't the only way to pay people back for what they've done. He didn't know why Rick came after me though. My legs were numb. I was shaking all over. Then they started fighting for the gun. A shot rang through my ears. All I thought was 'oh no is Sean okay'."

"I fell to the ground and realized he was okay, when Toby ran for help. Rick was dead. After that I sort of fell apart. But my life is building up again, one day at a time."

"Well Emma you were very detailed. I am so glad that you shared. I am also very glad that you are pulling your life back together. Not many people are as strong as you are."

"Well what can I say, I try to be strong. But strength isn't always enough in some cases."

"Excellent point Emma. If you ever need to talk my door is always open for you.'

"Thank you, Ms. Suave."

As I walk out the door I feel as if a weight is lifted off of my shoulder. Finally someone knows what happens and how I felt.

I think now I will start seeing Ms. Suave regularly.

Walk down the corridors, looking at my surroundings. Posters hanging on the walls for various clubs and activities, a booth where the student council sells tickets for the dance. Why couldn't this school always seem so calm and innocent?

Did it always seem so busy and crowded, that no one had ever felt the calmness of the school as I do right now.

I wonder.

Today starts a new day for Emma Nelson.

Today is the day Emma Nelson moves on from the past. The shooting, Sean, and everything in between.

Time to start on a clean slate.


End file.
